Attitude 2: It’s not about you

Attitude 2: It’s not about you


It’s normal to want to share your life with someone else, right? Nobody wants to go through life alone. Do you know anyone who wakes up in the morning and dances with joy because they’re all by themselves?

Maybe you do know someone like that. But is it common? I don’t think so. Even confirmed bachelorettes have moments when they’d like to have someone else in their life who’s closer than “just a friend.”

But something always used to puzzle me

I knew girls who wanted a relationship, but none of them seemed ready for it. They didn’t know how to manage their finances. They didn’t know anything about running a household or being responsible for children. But they’d already picked out their perfect guy and were planning a life.

But what if you are ready for a relationship? What if you know all that stuff already? You’ve lived on your own. You’ve had to manage money or work with kids or keep a house or whatever. You’re an adult—a fully functioning grownup who’s lived long enough to know how life works. So what’s wrong with picking a guy you think you can live with and pouring on the charm until he agrees to marry you?

What’s wrong with picking a guy you think you can live with and pouring on the charm until he agrees to marry you?

First of all, the Bible is pretty clear that the husband is the head of the home (Ephesians 5:23). The husband leads. The husband is responsible. The husband is accountable. There are a lot of people in difficult situations where husbands have left or aren’t doing the right thing, but I’m not talking about people who are already married. I’m talking about being single and what a single woman’s attitude should be in her search for a husband.

So if the Bible is clear that the husband is the leader in the family, should the woman really be the one in pursuit to begin with?

I know that’s an old-fashioned idea. But with the state of marriage and relationships the way they are in our world, maybe what the world needs is a little old-fashioned (yes, I totally just quoted SHIELD Agent Coulson).

"... People might just need a little old fashioned."
“… People might just need a little old fashioned.”

Think about it from his perspective

It’s scary for the guys too. Women don’t really think about that part of relationships, but it’s true. I have enough guy friends to understand how terrifying pursuing a woman can be, especially if you’re pursuing a woman who intimidates you.

I always had more guy friends than girl friends. I’ve never been a fan of drama, so I tended to gravitate toward the male contingent. And I saw so many Christian women throw themselves at my guy friends. The flirting. The eye-batting. The body language. I don’t even think the women knew they were doing it, but I could see them change the way they moved and talked and acted when a guy they liked came into the room.

I don’t think that’s right. It’s not honorable. It’s certainly not honest. And it damages what could be a wonderful friendship by focusing first on physical attraction rather than being brothers and sisters in Christ.

It damages what could be a wonderful friendship by focusing first on physical attraction rather than being brothers and sisters in Christ.

Having a husband and a family is a huge blessing. It’s a beautiful, awesome thing, and we need more godly families in our world. So please don’t think I’m against marriage. We need marriage. God made marriage, so it’s good. But I’ve seen girls take it to heart that they must get married or they won’t have a purpose in life, so they’re willing to do what they need to do to get married.

Granted, I’ve known many young women who waited and prayed and focused on growing closer to the Lord, and after God brought someone into their lives, their marriages still ended in divorce. I also know several other young women who’ve beaten the odds and stayed married, even if they got married “too young” or didn’t follow the biblical model for a relationship. But those cases are few and far between. But I’m pretty sure that all of them would agree that a relationship works best if both sides aren’t trying to control each other.

That doesn’t make you a doormat. If the relationship is abusive, get out. That’s a completely separate issue. But do consider the biblical model for the home–the wife is to obey the husband. So is that perfect guy you’ve got your heart set on someone you’re willing to obey? Honestly?

Women are brilliant manipulators. It’s our sinful nature to try to control people. And that doesn’t change just because you get married. A wife will always try to control her husband (Gen. 3:16), but that’s not the way a godly marriage is designed to function.

In Galatians 5:13-14, the Bible says, “For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don’t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love. For the whole law can be summed up in this one command: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’9Attitudes_02Perspective_pinnable

Regardless, if you’re a Christ-follower, God has called you to love the people around you as much as you love yourself. That means you need to put their needs ahead of your own. That means life isn’t about you.

Maybe you want a relationship right now. Maybe you want to be married more than anything else. I get it. I’ve been there. But what if you’re surrounded by single men who are focused on what God is calling them to do? What if the men around you are busy following God’s will for their lives while they’re single? What if the men around you are trying to learn what it means to be a godly husband before they pursue a wife?

If that’s the case, shouldn’t you be willing to set aside what you want in order to support them as a friend and brother in Christ?

Wait for God’s perfect time

The Bible has a lot to say about being a distraction or a stumbling block in the path of fellow believers. The Bible says not to do it. So that means, don’t do it.

You want a husband. That’s great and normal and even godly. You should. But you need to wait until your husband is ready for you, and you don’t get to pick and choose the time when he will be. You need to trust that when you’re ready, God will bring you together.

Now does all of that mean you shouldn’t look nice? Does that mean you shouldn’t be friendly? Does that mean you should hold all guys at arm’s length? Good grief, no. Be yourself. Be who God intended you to be. If you’re comfortable in nice clothes and high heels, wear them. If you’re comfortable in blue jeans and geeky t-shirts, do that. Just be you.

They’re your brothers in Christ first.

But remember, ladies, these men who you are so eager to be in a relationship with belong to God, the same way you do. They’re your brothers in Christ first, and it’s never okay to get between anyone and what God wants them, regardless of the reason.

Life isn’t about you. Your relationships aren’t even about you. Your life should be about God and what God says is right. And when you’re not focusing on God, you should be focusing on helping others.

If you’re courageous enough to live with that sort of perspective, God has an awesome promise for you. If you align your goals with God’s, He’ll give you the desires of your heart. You just have to wait until it’s time.

A.C. Williams

Amy Williams left a lucrative career in marketing to write novels about space cowboys, clumsy church secretaries, American samurai, and alternate dimensions. Along the way, she also discovered a passion for teaching other creative professionals how to use technology to make life easier. Through video instruction or one-on-one coaching, she teaches software, blogging, basic graphic design, and many other useful skills that help creative entrepreneurs get stuff done minus the frustration.

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