I posted tidbits of a very loud, obnoxious conversation I couldn’t avoid overhearing in a coffeeshop the other day, and so many people thought it was funny, I decided to share the other bits and pieces I made note of.
Be on the lookout for these interactions in my novels. Some of them are so funny, I’ll just have to use them in books later on. Now, reminder, it’s never a good idea to eavesdrop, but if two people are having a conversation so loud that the people on the other side of the store can hear them, it’s open season.
If you missed the post about this earlier, you can find it in The Word Business archive.
When last we left our heroes, the slobbish George and the first-name-obsessed Jane, they had taken a break from their dubious algebra homework. Well, George did while he went on a mission to find soft pretzels.
Twenty Minutes Later, George returns to their table…
JANE: George, where were you? What took you so long? I thought you were dead. Where’s my pretzel?
It took so much strength for me not to giggle. Those of you who know my struggle with facial expressions, you can imagine how difficult it was for me.
At some point, though, George decided their little table was in the wrong place, and he stood and started scooting it across the tile floor. The squealing sound made everyone in the cafe stare at them (as though they weren’t already).
JANE: George, pick it up. Have some decency, George.
GEORGE: Whatevs. (sits down to eat his pretzel) Have you seen that music video?
JANE: I don’t even know what you’re talking about, George.
GEORGE: They always post memes about this song.
JANE: What song, George?
JANE: What are you talking about, George?
GEORGE: It was a music video.
JANE: Who’s it by? Give me lyrics.
GEORGE: It’s like blue. And red.
JANE: Oh, that thing.
GEORGE: Yeah. That thing.
JANE: Yeah, it was okay.
Believe it or not, I’m editing a lot of their conversation out. I have another document where I just typed out everything they said. Going back through it made me laugh so hard my ribs hurt. But I decided not to include the abundance of their profanity.
Every time George moved, things would fall out of his pockets and skitter across the tiles. Buttons. Pennies. Paper clips. And when he’s finished with his pretzel, the wrapper dropped to the floor, and he didn’t pick it up.
For several blessed seconds, they didn’t speak. It was a miracle. They buried their heads in their books, and I thought maybe it was over. Maybe it was a blood sugar thing, that they just needed to eat and they’d calm down.
GEORGE: Did I do 5.5?
JANE: Sorry, bub, you didn’t.
GEORGE (mimicking): Sorry, bub, you didn’t do 5.5.
JANE: George. Stop it. You’re the weirdest thing ever.
GEORGE: No, I’m not.
JANE: George, why do you have this compass out?
GEORGE: I needed the pencil.
So much for that theory.
JANE: Update your Snapchat.
JANE: George, you are a strange fellow, sent from the aliens beyond.
GEORGE: Okay, I want the new Snapchat. Where do you get it?
JANE: You have to download it, GEORGE.
GEORGE: Oh, update.
They continued like this for hours, hours and hours. As long as I was in the cafe and even after I left. I wondered if anyone else in the cafe was taking notes too.
JANE: George, if I get a Monster, it’s because I stayed up late.
GEORGE: I keep telling my friend not to drink it because she’ll die. It’s really bad for your health. You shouldn’t be doing it.
JANE: I knew someone who drank a Monster every day, George, and got kidney stones. Her brother drank that way too, but he didn’t get kidney stones, George. But now they can’t drink diet pop anymore, George.
GEORGE: Okay, so I got the update now.
I’m not actually sure either of them did anything productive. They mainly sat at their table with all their books out, scribbling in notebooks, cursing at each other, and laughing at their phones.
GEORGE: You know, stupid things are funny to me.
JANE: George, I’m almost done. I got two assignments done without you, George.
GEORGE: Sorry I had to get pretzels. [shakes his phone] Why is this not working?
JANE: I’m almost done, George.
[phone makes nose]
JANE: George, what are you doing?
GEORGE: What is this? [stares at phone] Hairspray Live? What is this?
JANE: You don’t know Hairspray? We can’t be friends, George. (holds up notebook) Did you finish this, George? George, you better have finished it. I’m going to kill you, George. George, you’re seriously getting on my nerves.
GEORGE: Is it time to start drinking yet?
JANE: It’s not even 4 o’clock.
GEORGE: People say you can’t drink until 5 o’clock. So we have to wait to have a beer.
In my mind, I think this would be hilarious to use in a comedic scene, but honestly it’s so disjointed and strange it wouldn’t fit. These two were all over the place.
Somewhere in the conversation, they both decided they were hungry again, but as they’d previously discussed, neither of them had much money.
JANE: George, you just told me not to spend money. Why are you spending money, George?
GEORGE: Have you had their hot chocolate?
GEORGE: It’s—it’s like amazing.
JANE: Yes, George, it is. But you’re broke. So I’m going to get hot chocolate.
GEORGE: I’m coming with you.
JANE: You’re broke, George. Take your calculator.
JANE: Because they’re expensive, George.
They departed once again only to return moments later. George didn’t have any hot chocolate, but neither did Jane. She’d grabbed one of the free water glasses from the condiment counter.
GEORGE: What is that?
JANE: I just made a drink of condiments. I used creamer, vanilla, nutmeg, and sugar, and made my own drink.
GEORGE: Maybe you should make Starbucks your next career.
JANE: I put in too much nutmeg.
These two were a class act. If I ever run into them again, I may just thank them for making my day.